he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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