He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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