Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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