Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
