I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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