Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just cut my nipple shaving
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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