i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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