Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
