it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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