The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
