Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize