I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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