remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
