I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
