pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
