You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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