Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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