wanna go halves on a baby?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
