You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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