just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
