Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
