i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
