I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
