dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
