and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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