The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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