You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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