I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
