you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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