I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
