imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
