Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
