I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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