I wanna passion pit in your ass
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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