I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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