you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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