so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
