I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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