you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
