It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
