took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
