my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
