just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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