You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
