Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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