the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
