Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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