Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
