fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
