He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You are the jesus of drinking
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
