Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
