The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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