a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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