My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
im on a boat
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