Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
