we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
