he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
