cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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